to act

In my younger years, I fancied myself a bit of a budding actor. This all kicked off in the fifth grade when I landed the coveted role of Mrs. Claus in the annual fifth grade Christmas musical. This was also, coincidentally, the high point of my "acting career." 

I dabbled with speech and drama my first year of middle school. At some point—I genuinely don't remember how old I was when this occurred—I attended a week-long drama day camp at a local park whose pinnacle was a cheesy little production of The Tortoise and the Hare (or some fable-y type play) put on for our parents. In high school I had a teeny, tiny role in the drama department's less-than-sub-par performance of Inherit the Wind. (Having sat through many rehearsals, I can vouch that it is a very boring play. But the rights to the play were free, and we needed very few costumes/props, and we were a brand new school with zero money.)

It was at that point that I realized I am far too uptight, introverted, and resistant to let loose for the theater. And that was okay. 

But whether I (or anybody else for that matter) ever perform on a stage or behind a camera, we are all actors. We all act. My good friend Merriam-Webster (sorry not sorry to be that person) states quite simply that the word act means "the doing of a thing" or "the process of doing." It doesn't get much clearer than that, folks. We all act. 

The scriptures state that because Christ redeemed us, people are "free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon." (2 Nephi 2:26) The whole concept of acting versus being acted upon has been one on my mind lately, mostly, I think, because I'm trying to take more control of my life and my actions. 

It's really easy for me to let life happen to me, if that makes sense. I'm one to get frustrated about a situation but not do anything to fix it. I tend to stick to the sidelines and let other people do the acting. This is true to the extent that my good friend and I have a running joke that my memoir should be called Life in the Sidelines.  In short, I'm really, really good at being acted upon. 

And that's really, really bad, which is why I'm fighting my natural tendency to let life happen. I don't want to look back someday and wonder what would have happened if I just did more instead of letting things happen. And if that's not motivation enough, all I have to do is remember that one of the reasons Christ suffered and died for me is so that I could have the freedom and the power to make my own choices and choose my own actions. If He was willing to suffer and bleed and die for that, then I think it's worth making acting for myself a priority. 

My campaign against can't is one of my steps to becoming an agent in my life instead of a bystander. Eliminating as much self-doubt as I can and granting myself the opportunity to try (and maybe fail) is in itself a way that I'm consciously choosing to act instead of being acted upon.

To be honest, the very things that made me unfit for the stage (especially the introvertedness) are the same things that make taking charge and acting very difficult for me. Even when I know exactly what I want, trying to find the courage to act—to do something about it—is often a very long, anxiety-ridden process. But it's something I'm working on, one wobbly baby step at a time. And when I say baby steps, I really mean baby steps—some of the "challenges" I've tackled lately include approaching a stranger to have a casual conversation, signing up for a 10K, and inviting an acquaintance-but-not-quite-friend over to a movie night. 

And as much as I hatehatehate change, I know it's time for some pretty major ones. I'm at a point on the road of life that has alternate roads branching off in countless directions—I have so many options to learn and grown and change that will all be wasted if I don't take some responsibility and control of my life. 

The time to be acted upon is passed, and the time to act is upon me. So I guess I'm going to have to buck up, and taking some wise pearls of wisdom from Nike, just do it. 

Introvertedness, anxiety, and uptightness, and all.