in times of anguish

There are so many things I should be doing right now: writing a hymn (it's for a final. long story), writing a paper, studying for a test, sleeping. 

But I'm not doing those things, because my gut has told me that I need to write something. And I'm not sure what that is.

I lied. It's not my gut telling me that—it's the Holy Ghost, the Spirit of the Lord. I strongly believe in the power of the Spirit to guide and prompt me in my daily life. I believe that's why I'm writing this right now instead of sleeping or finishing final papers or studying for a test. 

I also believe that the Spirit can confirm truth and comfort us in times of anguish. Our Church gives its members the unique opportunity to speak in church from time to time, and last Sunday I was asked to speak. I shared an experience I once had during a time in my life when I felt alone and confused. One particular night, all the feelings of loneliness and abandonment I'd been trying to suppress came flooding back all at once, and I was beside myself with grief and pain and confusion. I remember sinking to my knees and begging the Lord to help me understand and to show me where I'd hidden my faith, because I certainly couldn't find it. Over and over I asked if He was even listening to me. I felt so small, so insignificant, and so certain that the Creator of the universe couldn't possibly care about little old me in my time of need when there were so many other people in the world who needed (and probably deserved) His attention more than I did. But when my words died out and my tears dried, I wrote the following entry in my journal: 

“Tonight I prayed one of my most desperately heartfelt prayers ever. I felt so alone and overwhelmed, and I felt myself going to that negative, scary place where everything always goes wrong, and I always end up hurt and alone. I asked for peace, guidance, and the ability to trust in God’s will and accept whatever he sends my way. I asked to know if He was there. And as I prayed—even as I cried and begged and questioned—I felt a wave of calm. It’s hard to describe. But it was as though the desperation and the out-of-control feelings that turned me into a blubbering, hysterical mess were just wiped away…That’s a prayer answered. And I know more answers will come in time.” 

My fears in that moment were wiped away and replaced with the calm knowledge that my Father in Heaven knew me and loved me and cared desperately about me. And though those same fears have resurfaced many times since that night, each time I can now calm myself with the reassurance that He's there and that He loves me. 

There is an almighty being who watches out for you and loves you even if you don't believe in Him. He doesn't care who you are or what you do, His love is unconditional and never ending. And should you choose to address him, he will be listening. 

I'm not quite sure why the Spirit prompted me to share this experience tonight, but I know that for some reason or another, it was the right thing to do. If nothing else, it was yet another reminder to myself to never forget that wave of calm when everything feels as though it's falling apart.