what i used to think about happiness

I used to think I knew what happiness is.

I used to think that to be happy—to be truly happy—I couldn't have any troubles in my life. I could never be sad or discouraged. That I had to have a winning smile pasted onto my face all day, every day—never faltering, never wavering, never failing.

I used to think that it meant that I had to have a skip in my step and that I had to view every new circumstance—no matter how challenging or scary or strange—with complete and utter optimism. It meant no trepidation, no fear, and no worry.

I used to think that my happiness was more or less tied to external forces—the people, the events, the situations that I was presented with on a daily basis. I used to think that my internal desire to be happy could be overridden by things outside of my control. That I couldn’t choose happiness in the face of adversity or trial when everything was going wrong.

But I’ve learned a few things. I don’t pretend to have a perfect knowledge or even that I implement what few things I know all the time, but I don’t like focusing on doing everything perfectly. I believe that each day is a clean slate and that the sun brings another chance at life along with its light and heat.

Now I know that true happiness is the kind that comes from within. Frankly, my happiness doesn't have anything to do with you. Not my true, deep happiness. The happiness that's real and that lasts is about me and God. And that's it. Being at peace with myself and trusting in Him is the only way to find happiness that isn't fleeting or superficial. The people and places and events in my life add greatly to my happiness, but they're not the root. The root is within me, and the external factors nourish my happiness so that it can grow. And I'm so grateful for the people who help me grow. 

I know that I can be happy even when times are tough. I can be happy when I've fallen down and don't know how to make it back to my feet again. I can be happy when it feels like there's nothing to be happy about. Sure it's harder. But it can be done. Because there is always something to be happy about, even if it's a small thing.

I know that being happy doesn't mean never having a bad day. It doesn't mean that I have to enjoy every moment of every day. It doesn't mean that I can't get frustrated or discouraged when things aren't going according to plan. But it does mean that I have to try. I have to make the best with what I have and pray for a brighter tomorrow. Because tomorrow will come. And it will be beautiful. 

True happiness means closing my eyes every night knowing that despite all the mistakes and the slip-ups, the disappointment and discouragement, I tried a little harder to be my best self. That I trusted a little more, I worried a little less, and I prayed a little longer. It means that I know who I am and who I can become. It means that I understand that I'm weak and human and that I forgive myself when I fall short.

Happiness does not require perfection.

And that's pretty convenient, because I'm sure not perfect, but I'm most definitely happy.