the year I learned

It's time for some reflection. I hope I'm not too late--we're a full week into 2014, after all--but I believe that every day can be a new beginning. That we don't have to wait for a new year to change or progress. And in all reality, there was so much to reflect on that I needed a few extra days in order to really mull it all over. The last year of my life deserves far more reflection and far more eloquence than I can give it, but I will try to string together a few meager words that express at least a fraction of the thoughts and feelings that are bursting inside of my heart and soul.

2013 was the year that I learned. 

I learned that having weaknesses doesn't make me weak--it makes me human. And I learned that those weaknesses don't define me.  Weaknesses are a foreshadowing of who you can become with faith and hard work. I learned that weaknesses can be turned into strengths. 

I learned how to be happy. I didn't previously know that happiness was a skill that could be acquired. Maybe for some people it comes as naturally as the ability to sleep or move their fingers, but I had to learn it. I had to learn that happiness will never last when it is tied to outside influences. For happiness to be true happiness, it had to be tied to the innermost parts of who I am. It has to be tied to my Heavenly Father and the gospel. 

I learned what forgiveness is. For most of my life, I mistakenly believed that to forgive somebody (including myself) was to pardon the mistakes or wrongs they (or I) had made. But this year I learned that forgiveness isn't about the other person at all--it is about me. To forgive isn't to sanction misdeeds, it's to free myself of the chains that unforgiven wrongs wrap around my body, constricting and confining me and holding me back from moving on and becoming my true self. I learned that it's usually the hardest to forgive myself, but it's worth it when those chains fall alway and sweet relief floods my body. 

I learned to believe in the good in the world. To believe in strength, love, and charity. To believe in second chances, room to grow, and focusing my eyes forward. In growth, in trying, in change. 

I learned that I can grow and learn from trials and mistakes. It's not easy. It hurts, and it often feels hopeless. But working through that pain and struggle makes me a better, stronger, happier person. And further down the road from disappointment and hurt, I can see how much I've learned and changed. And that instills in me a happiness that can't be described in words. 

I learned that no matter how hard or terrible today was, there is always tomorrow. And tomorrow can always be better, if I let it. How my tomorrow is is completely conditional on how I choose to think and act.

I learned to keep trying. To cut myself some slack. To speak more kindly to myself and to others. To get back up when I fall down. To trust 100 percent in my Heavenly Father. To believe in myself.

I learned that I'm not perfect. I'm not even close. I've learned the same lessons time and time again and will most likely have to learn many of them yet another time or two until they're drilled into my head. I've learned that I will make mistakes over and over again. And that's okay. 

This year I learned how to learn.