Sunday, January 3, 2016

from the files of a frustrated job searcher

Company: Super Cool Publishers, Inc.
Position: Editorial Assistant
Employment Type: Full-time
Experience: Entry level

Super Cool Publishers, Inc., an innovative, cutting-edge publisher located in New York City, seeks a motivated, hardworking individual to fill the role of editorial assistant. We are a rapidly growing publishing house, thanks to the success of  Where Did All the Wub-Wubs Go?, a whimsical picture book dubbed Children's Book of the Year by the Nebraska Society of Reading Mothers, and Pine Trees in Sarajevo, the spine-chilling winner of the Twistiest Plot Award given by the Mysterious Mystery Guild. The individual joining our team would have the opportunity to aid the editorial staff in publishing more top-notch books.

This position performs the following tasks:

- act as a liaison between author and publisher
- write catalog, jacket, and marketing material
- handle administrative tasks for editorial staff
- copy editing and manuscript preparation necessary for going to press
- find Atlantis
- hack into the encrypted government websites of all nations in Southeast Asia
- perform a soliloquy from Hamlet at weekly staff meetings (no repeats!)
- lower the cost of space exploration

Candidate Requirements:

- BA in English or similar subject
- outstanding grammar and writing skills
- knowledge of Microsoft Office
- HTML experience a plus
- PhD in Psychopathology
- 6–10 years experience in publishing, journalism, or similar
- letter of recommendation from Queen Elizabeth II
- photographic evidence of your being at the summit of Mt. Everest
- pilot's license
- Nobel Prize in Literature or Physics
- fluency in Inuit, Greek, ASL, Danish, and Quechua

Please send resume, cover letter, and salary requirements to Applications without cover letter or salary requirements will not be considered.* Only qualified candidates will be contacted.**

Please no phone calls. Actually, don't even bother applying. Just go away, please. 

* To be honest, applications WITH cover letter and salary requirements probably won't be considered either
**This doesn't include you


  1. This is the most accurate thing ever. I am currently considering printing this out and taping it to the door of the Humanities Advisement office

  2. I like your rants. Please continue. Go you.

  3. I like your rants. Please continue. Go you.